When I started out I was thinking that I have no idea what I wanted to do. It's the never ending conundrum, when faced with infinite possibilities how do I know that I've found the right one? I was stuck. So, being the avid reader that I am, I started reading. I went to the ones that I remember being told about when I was a kid. I looked for the constant favorite, "What Color is Your Parachute?" What I found was lists and lists of attributes that I wasn't sure if I had or not. Am I ambitious, coherent, organized, etc? I just didn't know. I found myself getting depressed about this whole thing. I was hoping that something would tell me what I'm good at. I mean after all the centuries of people working and the multitude of personality measures and things out there I figured that there would be a test somewhere that would tell me what I should be doing with my life.
My response was simple, I gave up. I won't try to hide it, the thought of finding something that I was truly meant to do became impossible. I started just looking for anything and everything. I needed to make money, plain and simple, the bills needed to be paid. I had spent the last five years in retail and it was wearing me down physically. I was dreading it, but I reluctantly started looking in that direction. I started randomly applying to places which I thought might hire me. I got a whole lot of nothing as a response.
While I was randomly applying to jobs I kept reading. I told myself that I was catching up since I hadn't done a lot of anything other than working for the last few years. I would go to work and work till I was exhausted then I would come home and collapse. Then I would get up the next day and do the same. On my days off I would mean to get something done around the house but instead I found myself falling asleep. So, after what felt like a long deserved week of oversleeping I started spending my waking hours mainly reading. I would search for work for a couple hours then I'd find myself reading a whole book with the rest of my day.
Because of this reckless abandonment of duties I found quite a few good books. The ones that have most helped me are actually ones that I didn't know if I would like or not. I love the realm of fantasy and science fiction and usually gravitate towards them. It was part desperation and part curiosity that drove me to them.
The first one I ran across was called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown. It was a wake up call to me at that point in time. For a long time (we won't even go into how long) I was convinced that I had to be perfect at something, that there was something in my life that I was supposed to just click and go perfectly all the time. I kept striving to find this perfect thing that only I could do. I was looking for the impossible. This book reminded me that none of us are perfect and that being perfect isn't a requirement for anything. I highly recommend it for all the other perfectionists out there. You know how there are some books that just seem to be speaking directly to you, well this was it.
I made a decision, It's okay for me to just be me. I realized that for years I've been trying to be someone else. I was trying to be the perfect child, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect employee, etc. It's exhausting to try to be something that you're not and I was exhausted. The question still remained, what am I supposed to do with my life. I remembered the old saying "enjoy what you do and you'll never work a day in your life" so I started making a list of the things that I enjoy doing. The things that make me feel excited and more alive. I realized quickly that it was a rather short list actually. I loved music, writing and languages. Three things that if I could only do that for the rest of my life I would be happy.
I started thinking about jobs that involve these things. Music was out for awhile still. I no longer have the instrument that I love and even if I did I haven't played in over a decade. Being a musician is off the table, at least for now.
I started researching linguistic jobs. While it would be awesome to sit all day and study languages, it would require a whole list of degrees and certificates that I would need to even start in this field. I may one day decide that this is a road that I can go down, but that day is far ahead of me.
I did however resolve that I was going to go back to being self taught in languages. When I was in high school I was one of the few people who even thought about taking a second language and I took two. I took Spanish for two years and American Sign Language for two years. My junior year of high school I would find myself in English class thinking in Spanish about what I was going to do for my ASL presentation. I found out that when I really got into a language I would even start thinking in it. I don't even know how many times I found myself having to translate from Spanish to English in one of my non Spanish classes. So, I have decided to learn Mandarin Chinese, a compromise if I do say so myself.
That left me with writing. I used to always be writing. If I was waiting somewhere and had access to paper I was writing. If I didn't have access to paper I was planning what I was going to write. I have done online role-play writing with great groups such as DragonMount and I loved it. I did chat room role-play in Rhydin back when AOL was new, if anyone remembers it. It was just something that I had to do, it was like breathing to me. When I was putting all of my effort into making a living this part of me was lost. It was like I lost the ability to think let alone write. I just existed, it was awful.
I found another book called "Show Your Work!" by Austin Kleon and I had an "Ah ha!" moment. It was simple, I just needed to be myself again. I had created this blog when I was figuring out what I wanted to do and now I knew what to do with it. This post just flew off my fingertips like it was nothing.
Now, I don't know if I will be a successful writer, but I am (and always will be) a writer. I am also going to start learning Chinese. I found a good beginners book and have already realized that it's a lot harder than Spanish. My plans for this blog are simple. I am going to write. It might be about the weather, a book I read, how hard Chinese is, or hopefully I'll eventually even get some works of fiction up here. Whether this writing endeavor goes well or not I AM a Writer.
The first one I ran across was called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown. It was a wake up call to me at that point in time. For a long time (we won't even go into how long) I was convinced that I had to be perfect at something, that there was something in my life that I was supposed to just click and go perfectly all the time. I kept striving to find this perfect thing that only I could do. I was looking for the impossible. This book reminded me that none of us are perfect and that being perfect isn't a requirement for anything. I highly recommend it for all the other perfectionists out there. You know how there are some books that just seem to be speaking directly to you, well this was it.
I made a decision, It's okay for me to just be me. I realized that for years I've been trying to be someone else. I was trying to be the perfect child, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect employee, etc. It's exhausting to try to be something that you're not and I was exhausted. The question still remained, what am I supposed to do with my life. I remembered the old saying "enjoy what you do and you'll never work a day in your life" so I started making a list of the things that I enjoy doing. The things that make me feel excited and more alive. I realized quickly that it was a rather short list actually. I loved music, writing and languages. Three things that if I could only do that for the rest of my life I would be happy.
I started thinking about jobs that involve these things. Music was out for awhile still. I no longer have the instrument that I love and even if I did I haven't played in over a decade. Being a musician is off the table, at least for now.
I started researching linguistic jobs. While it would be awesome to sit all day and study languages, it would require a whole list of degrees and certificates that I would need to even start in this field. I may one day decide that this is a road that I can go down, but that day is far ahead of me.
I did however resolve that I was going to go back to being self taught in languages. When I was in high school I was one of the few people who even thought about taking a second language and I took two. I took Spanish for two years and American Sign Language for two years. My junior year of high school I would find myself in English class thinking in Spanish about what I was going to do for my ASL presentation. I found out that when I really got into a language I would even start thinking in it. I don't even know how many times I found myself having to translate from Spanish to English in one of my non Spanish classes. So, I have decided to learn Mandarin Chinese, a compromise if I do say so myself.
That left me with writing. I used to always be writing. If I was waiting somewhere and had access to paper I was writing. If I didn't have access to paper I was planning what I was going to write. I have done online role-play writing with great groups such as DragonMount and I loved it. I did chat room role-play in Rhydin back when AOL was new, if anyone remembers it. It was just something that I had to do, it was like breathing to me. When I was putting all of my effort into making a living this part of me was lost. It was like I lost the ability to think let alone write. I just existed, it was awful.
I found another book called "Show Your Work!" by Austin Kleon and I had an "Ah ha!" moment. It was simple, I just needed to be myself again. I had created this blog when I was figuring out what I wanted to do and now I knew what to do with it. This post just flew off my fingertips like it was nothing.
Now, I don't know if I will be a successful writer, but I am (and always will be) a writer. I am also going to start learning Chinese. I found a good beginners book and have already realized that it's a lot harder than Spanish. My plans for this blog are simple. I am going to write. It might be about the weather, a book I read, how hard Chinese is, or hopefully I'll eventually even get some works of fiction up here. Whether this writing endeavor goes well or not I AM a Writer.
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